


you're always worth it (and you deserve it)

by stevebuckiest



Series: chris and andy are in love [7]
Category: Defending Jacob (TV 2020), Destroyer (2018)
Genre: A little, Andy has some dumb ideas about feeling weak, Communication, Crying, Daddy Kink, Dom/sub, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Falling In Love, Implied Sexual Content, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Praise Kink, Subspace, kind of ? biphobia ? idk he's ashamed about wanting what he wants, yeah this is basically just a tiny interlude of how they slip into their future relationship, you also knew that, you knew that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-02
Updated: 2020-09-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:21:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26252581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stevebuckiest/pseuds/stevebuckiest
Summary: His voice comes out wobbly and uncertain, even with how deep it is, but the words spill out before he can even try to collect himself. “I’m sorry. I’ll try harder to be good, I just need your help. I’m trying, I swear." He sounds embarrassingly desperate, even to his own ears, tips of them burning hot.So much for not looking weak.
Relationships: Andy Barber/Chris (Destroyer)
Series: chris and andy are in love [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1809163
Comments: 2
Kudos: 54





	you're always worth it (and you deserve it)

**Author's Note:**

> sorry this is so short, but i liked where i ended it. it felt right. one day i'll eventually write about their second time together but for now: hurt/comfort and implied dry humping!

Andy’s first breakdown with Chris is inevitable. It’s been building up ever since their first night together, honestly- it’s not surprising to either of them, he wouldn’t say. Chris knows by now how temperamental the bottled up emotions can make him, and like he said before, going from the kinkiest thing he’s done being having sex in the closet with his wife to what he did with Chris...it’s a lot. Not to mention the whole “first time with a man” thing. It’s almost a complete 360, not accounting for all the fantasies he’s been having about similar situations since he was 19 and his dorm neighbor was a linebacker for the school football team.

He knows outburst is inevitable, but he just wishes his brain hadn’t chosen to have it while he was getting a little hot and heavy with Chris in bed. It’s the second time they’ve gone past heavy petting, and it was going  _ well _ in Andy’s eyes until Chris had to pull back from where Andy was frantically grinding against him and subtly remind him that he wasn’t supposed to try and come without Chris telling him to, that the posturing about wanting to be in control wasn’t needed. That he just needed to be good for his daddy. 

Andy didn’t mean to do any of that...or, nor directly. He knows he had been trying a little too hard to control the pace and keep his composure, but he was just trying to be a little more put together- trying to earn this second time of calling Chris daddy and being told he’s good without looking weaker than he already does after falling apart so easily the last time, but the implication of being bad didn’t go down well with his head, gone floaty like it always does when Chris is like this with him. 

Andy is still disoriented, hopelessly (embarrassingly) hard against Chris’s thigh, and the neediness- the  _ shame _ of it- is only making things more fuzzy somehow. Confusing. Overwhelming. He feels a lot like he just toppled his morning latte over his damn case files.

Thinking about his job, his position in public compared to the position he’s in now- a stammering mess, clinging to his daddy’s side seconds away from begging to hump his leg, and almost crying because he wants the submission so bad but doesn’t know how to let himself have it- how far he is in this moment from the bigshot lawyer Chris teases him about being is dizzying to comprehend. Tears slip down his cheeks at what feels like the borderline humiliating realization and he tucks his face into Chris’s neck to hide the shattered expression he knows Chris has already seen. 

His voice comes out wobbly and uncertain, even with how deep it is, but the words spill out before he can even try to collect himself. “I’m sorry. I’ll try harder to be good, I just need your help. I’m  _ trying,  _ I swear." He sounds embarrassingly desperate, even to his own ears, tips of them burning hot. 

So much for not looking weak. 

If he were fully himself right now, he’d rather bite a bullet than say that. Andy Barber doesn’t  _ ask for help _ . Doesn’t want it. Doesn’t  _ need _ it. But...with things as they are, he  _ does _ say it. Something about this man….how easily he’d offered Andy everything he’d tried not to want, how he’d made Andy feel heard in a way he’d never felt before….he makes reaching out feel okay even with the possibility of rejection, and Andy, in this far down state, briefly wishes he knew how to accept Chris’s gentle control all the time. He wishes he were easier to handle, but personality aside….he doesn’t know how to be. He’s been afraid of wanting for so long that he’s unsure of how to do this without fighting himself- without fighting  _ Chris _ . It’s awful. He just wants to be good for him. 

That’s what scares him, is the thing. He wants it so bad, but there’s still a part of him that’s terrified Chris is going to give it to him and get him used to it only to take it away and leave Andy on crumbling ground where he used to be okay. Hiding away in shame and waiting to use his toys, desperately trying to give himself the intimate touch he wanted and pretend it was  _ enough _ to plan for those stolen moments and store the memories away until he could do it again...he doesn’t know if he could go back to that. Not after he’s finally had a taste of the real thing, that  _ could have _ that he was always dreaming of during those stolen moments alone, locked in a too cold bedroom when he was sure she wouldn’t be around to see his shame. 

He wasn’t satisfied like that. But at least he was safe- he’s not sure he could handle going back to being  _ alone _ again after finally feeling like he’s been understood. That might be worse than being stuck trying to make it work with her ever was. He knows realistically that it wasn’t the lack of anal play or wanting a daddy that made that relationship so unsatisfying, he could have survived without that just fine. He likes women. He could have probably lived with the bland sex or figured something out. It was the lack of emotional connection that killed him- she didn’t care enough to ask what he wanted even outside of sex, let alone tell him he was doing  _ good _ during. 

He’s self aware enough to know that that’s part of what makes the fantasy and desire to have someone- a daddy- to take care of him so appealing. He’d have someone to touch him in the sweet, intimate ways he wants so much, to tell him he was  _ good _ and  _ enough _ . He’d have someone to take control and give him a break from being the one in charge of taking care of everyone else. He’d have someone to  _ care _ . If someone wanted to be his daddy, they would  _ have _ to care about him enough to want to take care of him. He wouldn’t be stuck  _ wanting _ anymore in more ways than one. 

Ironically enough, that he’s finally getting some of that care, he’s feeling out of his depth and over his head. It’s kind of a lot. 

A hand stroking down his back brings him seni-back to reality, Chris’s voice grounding him. "Hush up now, sweet thing," Chris murmurs “You  _ are _ good- my good boy. But I know you need my help sometimes. You're not used to this, you just don't know anything about letting people take care of you. Fucking shame, that is- but it’s why I'm here. Gonna give you everything you didn’t have before.” He kisses Andy’s hair and grabs bruisingly at his ass to haul him closer, tone conflictingly tender. “Gonna show you how much you’ve deserved this entire time, Andy, as your daddy and in every other way if you’ll let me. I’ve got you, baby, I’m not going anywhere. I promise.”

Trying not to feel hopeful, Andy takes in a shuddering breath. “You gotta swear, Chris,” he whispers out. “This isn’t a god damn joke to me- I can’t share this with you and just walk away from it without you, it’s-“ Frustratingly enough, words fail him, but as Andy is beginning to see grow into a pattern- Chris has his back. 

“It’s everything,” he says quietly, tugging Andy so close that he’s practically lying on top of him, legs straddling his thigh with their chests pressed together so that Andy is sure Chris can feel how fast his heart is beating. “ _ You’re _ everything, Andy. You just need to let me show you that.” He pauses when Andy lifts his head to look at him, but licks his lips and doesn’t back down. “ _ Please _ , sweetheart.” There’s a genuine askance in his voice that makes Andy’s heart flutter and his mind sparkle with the feeling of genuine understanding and want he’s beginning to associate with Chris when they’re like this. His lover. His  _ daddy _ . 

Andy never thought he’d be able to have that, but now...

Feeling like he’s teetering on the dangerous edge of coming too close to everything he’s ever wanted, everything that’s always been too good to be true, too risky to want- Andy takes in a deep breath and decides to take the leap. If he can’t do this with Chris, someone he wants so badly who has shown him nothing but kindness and desire- who  _ can _ he do it with?

Chris deserves this- and if his words are anything to go off of...Andy does too.

He swallows and leans down close, forehead settling against Chris’s. The connection of the touch feels electric. “Okay,” he whispers. 

Chris brings a hand up to cup the back of his neck, thumb stroking the soft hairs and the sensitive spot he likes to kiss under his ear to make him shiver. 

They’ve slept together once and Chris cares to know Andy’s body and his wants better than she ever did even after ten years. Andy thinks that means a lot in terms of the conversation they’re having. It means a lot to him in general, if he’s being honest. Chris makes him want to be honest, even if it’s hard. 

“Okay?” Chris asks lowly, voice quietly hopeful. 

Andy smiles, hesitant but genuine, and settles his body firmer against Chris’s to let him know just how  _ okay _ he is with this now that his spiral is settling down. He voices it anyways, as well, just to clarify for them both. “Okay, daddy,” he says softly.

Chris smiles wide and squeezes the nape of his neck, gently pushing on it to draw him in for a long kiss that’s full of promises and safety on both ends. Chris leads it. Andy willingly follows. They’re both breathless when they break away, but Chris has enough in him to murmur out a happy, “ _ okay, sweetheart _ ” that makes Andy’s stomach settle even as the rest of him gets ramped back up by Chris taking control to start guiding Andy’s hips to move against him. 

They  _ are _ gonna be okay. It’s a nice thing to be sure of. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> can someone give andy and chris a hug?


End file.
